Reason to Trust #14 [Jane]

Jane TullisAge: 52 // Favourite Food: Chocolate (cliché I know, but true) and steak, the rarer the better and I’d be happy to just take a slice off as the cow trots past. // Dream Job: Being an actress – I could easily pull of being the Vicar of Dibley’s Aussie twin. // Current Season: Hmmm…I already have my mid-life-crisis-convertible-beetle, so can’t pretend I’m still in that period then. Currently working full time, staring retirement down the barrel and finding it’s not staring back yet. // Met Jesus: 13 years old, at a Beach Mission event. // Favourite Verse: Jeremiah 29:11 – “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future”.

Almost 25 years ago our daughter was born, and nearly two years later our son was to be born, a lovely pigeon pair to complete our family. At four month’s pregnant with our son, I started developing severe pain in my right leg and, after a three-hour car drive to visit family for Christmas, I found myself in hospital with a massive blood clot extending all the way down my right leg.

Unfortunately, as a consequence of the drug regime I had to take, our son died before he could ever be born at five and a half months.  My husband and I were then strongly advised against ever having more children.  I know as I write this that so many people have suffered hardships in life, many more difficult than mine, and we had already been blessed with our beautiful daughter.  But the things that come our way affect us all differently, and no one person can claim to understand fully the pain of another. 

I found the experience of losing Samuel profoundly difficult, and yet I can look back on it and say that only my trust in God got me through that period.  But I want to try and convey that it was not an active “I trust you God” statement at the time that I am referring to.  In fact at the time I had very little clear thought process and days seemed to pass in a blur.  My husband and I cried, we organised the funeral from my hospital bed, and we just put one foot in front of the other day after day…and yet… at the end of my week in hospital after having delivered our son, I had a nurse approach me and say “I have never seen anyone handle the situation as you have just done, tell me your secret”.

Now please understand, I had no secret, I was a mess; but as I pondered her words, I was convinced what she saw in me was my trust in God at work for my good.  I do not mean my trust in God in that specific moment, because I was unable to articulate it at the time, but the trust I professed in Him fifteen years earlier as a teenager on the day I became a Christian.

And this is one of God’s key characteristics that blows my mind: He is faithful ALWAYS! His love for us and action in our lives does not wax and wane with our moods or the circumstances we face.  I declared “I trust you with my life, God” when I was thirteen, and God said done and double done…for life.  He stepped up when we lost Samuel, because He always steps up for his children who profess to trust in Him.  I believe the nurse didn’t see me as the messy human being I was at that time, but rather she saw the God I trust in who never left me alone for one second.  I believe she felt him each time she entered my room because it says in Psalm 139:5 that He “hems us in, before and behind”, not at our request in desperate times, but as a matter of course in our every day.

To trust in God is a SUPERnatural thing; it stamps you, and it holds you in good stead no matter what comes your way…because He is faithful even when our wheels fall off from time to time.  So whatever you are facing, don’t despair and say “If only I could trust God more”.  He’s held on to your trust from the first time you professed it, He has declared it to be enough, and He is there with you in your every moment.  Even if you can’t see it, others will despite what you’re going through and it will blow their mind.  So relax, He’s got you covered!

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2 thoughts on “Reason to Trust #14 [Jane]

  1. Holly Herbig says:

    Janie – what an extraordinary woman you are. And how I love your words of sound wisdom (knowing they come from the mouth of the woman who once wore slippers to work accidentally). Your words about the grief of losing a child have held with me since the time I miscarried my own first child. And I think of that profoundly often. Thank you for your honesty, integrity and willingness to share your remembrance of that time. It has powerfully changed my heart. xxx

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